Have you ever looked to someone else to fill in the gaps in your heart or your insecurities? Read on to learn about why this type of relationship mindset isn't good for you.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships, whether it be dating or friendships or even the ones with acquaintances. It seems to me that many of us depend on relationships to be a sort of fixer-upper situation, as if the other person in the relationship is the magic potion that makes you perfect.
What is a "Fix-Me" relationship?
We all have parts of ourselves that we don't like, we all have insecurities, and we all want them to go away. Some people turn to self-help books or diets or exercise, others turn to people. Thus, fix-me relationships are born. Basically, this is a relationship that stems from the desire to be fixed or to be masked. We want the other person to make us feel better or more secure in ourselves.
"Just a Bit of a Fixer-Upper"
As much as I love this song, I don't think it's communicating the healthiest relationship dynamic (if you didn't get that reference, please do yourself a favor and go watch Frozen). I promise I'm not dissing a Disney movie, but I think that we need to flip this perspective that you can fix someone in a relationship, or vice versa.
First of all, trying to find fulfillment in someone else puts an awful lot of pressure on them. If you expect them to make everything perfect, you're simply setting them up for failure. How do you feel when someone puts pressure on you to do something perfectly? It creates tension and anxiety and a feeling of insufficiency—qualities that will manifest in a relationship that also seeks perfection.
I may not know much, but I do know this: anything that's based solely on perfection is bound to fail. It's good to have goals (love one another better, practice honesty, etc), but seeking perfection is dangerous for any relationship. This is exactly why fix-me relationships aren't healthy: we seek for the other person to make us better, make us perfect. But, let's face it, nobody on this planet is perfect. It may seem obvious, but why would we seek to be fixed by an imperfect person?
One word: insecurity. We want to mask our insecurities with someone else, we want to fill the holes in our soul with a relationship. Guess what? The most someone else can offer to fix you is scotch tape...how much do you think that's going to do when attempting to fix a human?
Fix-Me vs Accent Me
Now you may be thinking: "But, Savannah, what if they do fix me? I think they bring out the good in me!" I'm glad you feel as though you're a better person because of this relationship, but I believe you're falling prey to a common misconception. Another person does not bring out the good (or whatever quality) in you, they merely accent it.
That thing (the good, the energy, the laughter, the humor, etc) that you like about yourself—that you believe a particular relationship brings out in you—is already within you. The other person's personality simply makes that facet of you stand out more. It's healthy to have relationships that push you to be the person that you want to be, but you must be careful that the relationship doesn't define your ability to be good or funny or smart.
Relationships aren't ever going to be perfect, and we're always going to have our insecurities, so remember that your relationships should be uplifting! Although relationships won't fix you, they most certainly shouldn't tear you down nor define you. You don't need to depend on someone else to be a better version of yourself because you already have all that you're looking for!
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