There is an epidemic of falsehood in the world. It can be summed up in two words: I'm fine.
There is a glue that is used every day by everyone. It’s the phrase “I’m fine.” Lonely? No, I’m fine. Depressed? No, I’m fine. Angry? No, I’m fine. Struggling? No—the lie continues on. It’s an automated response to any question that might expose the truth of one’s well-being. It keeps someone together, even though it's clear that they are cracked, chipped, and lopsided...
“I think it’s important that we don’t all have to hold our heads high all the time saying everything’s fine” - Nicole Kidman
Recently I saw a Tumblr post that said, “What if there was a book where you could read all the lies that people have told you in your life? Or one that had all the lies that you have ever told?” First of all, it took me ten minutes to decide that I would have to choose none of the above (in spite of being super curious about the first one). But then I wondered: how many times would the words “I’m fine” be in those books? How many times have I muttered those words because I couldn't afford to tell someone that I feel like I’m falling apart? How many times have people said them to me? This is when I realized that “I’m fine” is the world’s expectation of us, and it is our lie to the world.
What does it really mean?
As a whole, the world treasures strength, whether it be in weapons, number of followers, the amount of weight someone can bench-press, or self reliance in general. As stewards of this culture, we want to be the strongest. We find illusory strength in lying: “Hello. I’m happy. I’m fine.” See what it really means: hello, I’m happy, I’m fine—help me.
Many studies have been conducted to prove that this societal “glue” is actually a cry for help. The Mental Health Foundation studied 2,000 adults and found that “the average adult will say ‘I’m fine’ 14 times per week, though just 19% actually meant it” (Mental Health). If 89% of people lie about their emotions, there is an epidemic of casual falsehood in society, especially since nobody confronts it: 59% of people believe that the answer to the question “how are you” will be a lie (Mental Health). Everyone lies, but no one questions it. What kind of culture have we created in which we accept lies, knowing full well that they’re lies?
How do we fight this epidemic?
It’s fine—normal, even—to not be fine. Society makes it seem as though everyone has everything put together, but that is a mirage created by a filter of perfection. This filter teaches that it's not okay to be weak, and the only solution is to hide your weakness. It even gave us a phrase to hide behind: I’m fine. With these two words, society invalidates our true feelings and builds a wall around each of us—locking us inside our own minds. The only way to be freed from the filter is by being honest about what is going on inside ourselves.
One study conducted by researchers at the University of California Los Angeles demonstrates the importance of labeling or expressing emotions. They studied the part of the brain that warns the body to protect itself when in danger, the amygdala. In the study, subjects were shown a picture of an angry face, which caused more activity in the amygdala; however, when attaching the word “angry” to the picture, there was a decreased response (University). This points out the power of labeling emotions: it changes chemicals in your brain! These researchers recognized that the world tells people “to pick [themselves] up” and tell themselves that they are fine, but “self-deception is difficult” (University). Essentially, faking it until you make it simply doesn’t work. However, “labeling your feelings doesn’t require you to want to feel better,” nor is it a form of self-deception (University).
Expressing our emotions is critical to good mental health because you can express yourself from a place of brokenness and imperfection—you don't have to force yourself to be okay. This is the first step towards being honest with other people: being honest with yourself. Acknowledging that you feel sad or angry or alone is the first step to turning off the automatic “I’m fine” response, and allowing for genuine conversation.
HOWEVER...
...this doesn’t mean that you should go throwing your true feelings around like they’re confetti. Sharing your emotions should be between you and someone who has gained your trust. Your emotions are valuable, so don’t dispense them cheaply. When someone you might not be very close with asks how you’re doing, be honest with them, but know that they might not want to know every single thing that’s going on in your life. Everyone is carrying burdens, and they simply might not have the strength to carry more (this doesn’t mean they don’t care about you!!!!) But it’s still important to be honest: you can say that you’re not having a good day. It doesn’t mean they’re going to ask for more details, but at least you’re not carrying a weight of dishonesty on your shoulders because you didn’t try to cover up your emotions.
Staring Down the Lie
In a world where we can hide behind screens, where we can talk without emotion, where we can “laugh out loud” without laughing at all, we lose grip of reality and truth. This has carried over to even the most simple human interaction: asking someone how they are doing. Society has made it normal to lie about how we are doing if we are not doing well, but this is hurting us even more. There shouldn't be shame in feeling emotions other than happiness; after all, if 89% of people are lying that they are fine, clearly you're not the only one who is going through some things. The reality is that no one is 100% perfect all the time. It’s time for us to stare the world in the face and declare: it's okay for me to not be fine all the time.
Works Cited:
“‘I’m Fine’ | Nineimages.” Saying Quotes,
sayingquotes.blogspot.com/2014/03/Hello-i-am-happy-i-am-fine-saying-quotes.html.
Accessed 10 Mar. 2020.
“Mental Health Foundation Launches ‘I’m Fine’ Campaign.” Mental Health Foundation, 23
Nov. 2016,
www.mentalhealth.org.uk/news/mental-health-foundation-launches-im-fine-campaign.
University of California - Los Angeles. "Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic
Effects In The Brain." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 22 June 2007.
<www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/06/070622090727.htm>.
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